Dear Suzi and Paolo,

How do you deal with the in-laws when it comes to raising your child? We stay with my husband’s parents. Since both of us are working, my mother-in-law is the one who takes care of the kids. Although I am grateful for their help, I feel na pinangungunahan nila ako sa pagpapalaki ko sa anak ko. Sometimes, I would say no, but my mother-in-law would say yes. How do I tell my in-laws to stop what they are doing without sounding ungrateful?

Charitess Pangan, Batangas

Paolo says

Hello Mommy Charitess.

Thank you for writing in. It certainly does sound like a bit of an uncomfortable situation. But I would suggest that you speak your mind. While I’m sure you feel somewhat indebted to your in-laws, it would be best for you to clear the air. It will also nip the possibility of your concern growing into a resentmnet towards your in-laws if it already hasn’t. As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child, but as you are your children’s mother, I feel your decisions should be respected.

It sounds like it will be a delicate subject to broach but there really seems to be no other way to do it but to speak your mind. Assure your in-laws that you respect their contributions to the rearing of your child but that you feel somewhat superseded at times.

Let them know that you are telling them this because you value their involvement in raising your child but would also like to keep a good relationship with them because they are a valued part of your family circle. Explain that you would rather ruffle a few feathers now than ruin your relationship for good by not speaking your mind.

Besides, it will also confuse your child if the rules are not consistent. He or she cannot be raised with two “standards.” So in my opinion, as early as now, it will be the best thing to do to speak up. Like I said it may be a challenging thing to do, but in the end, it will really be for the best.

Suzi says

Hello Charitess!

The situation you are in is certainly an age-old dilemma! And it certainly affects those who live with the in-laws more than those who don't. I assume if you had the means you would stay in your own place. But in the meantime, a bit of heart-to-heart talk may be needed to alleviate the situation.

First of all, the role of a grandparent is different from a parent's role. Now is the time for the grandparents to spoil the kids!! Unfortunately, this negates parents’ attempts at disciplining. And for sure, most grandparents would want the role of the good cop. Unfortunately it's the parent who becomes the "bad cop."

I think that it should be your husband who should open the lines of communication. After all, they are his parents. He would know what language to use and how to gauge his own parents' reactions. There will also be less friction if it would come from your husband.

Talk to your husband and be clear on certain rules that are non-negotiable. For instance, no watching of TV while eating. Add to the list but try to keep it short. Maybe around six to eight rules. Other rules may be more flexible, depending on the situation.

Ask your husband to discuss these rules (or if you are comfy enough, join the conversation unless you feel you might be too intimidating) with his mom. But do reiterate that the love of a lola to her apo is much appreciated! Just explain that you had planned to raise your child a certain way and in order to do that, some rules have to be followed. And that you would greatly appreciate it if lola will help in getting the kids to follow the rules. This way, you are all consistent, which is important so as not to confuse the child.

Good luck mommy!! Once both you and lola understand where you are both coming from, everything will be okay. After all, you certainly have one thing in common: you both love the child, just in different ways.