I only have one sibling, I wished I had more sibling but unfortunately, mom is a firm believer of family planning! When my older sister and I were growing up, we were mortal enemies. We would really go to school with a lot of scars in our faces and arms... we always told friends that our cat was responsible because it always looked like we’re scarred by a very wild animal!

We never got along when we were growing up. She’s always the typical, omnipotent Ate. Don’t get me wrong, she was my idol. She’s intelligent and pretty (I never told her that). I tried to accomplish everything that she has accomplished and tried to pass all entrance exams that she passed in college. So far, I have equaled all her accomplishments and I am sure she’s proud of me. However, we rub each other the wrong way, our parents were really bothered by our fights as we were growing up.

In college, we got along and we were each others’ walking diary, each others’ confidante. I don’t know why, perhaps because we were in the same dormitory, but not the same room. (We decided to get separate rooms)

After college, we had to live separately and we see each other only during weekends. Recently, our relationship is not getting any better. It was worse than before, verbal fights and hurting words are getting more hurtful than the physical fights that we used to have. There seems to be a wider gorge in our relationship. I often thought of not going home every weekend because I am beginning to hate the sight of her. I don’t want to make conversation because that would definitely cause a big fight. Our differences are creating a great chasm in the family and our parents are definitely affected. We are often considered mature and well-rounded by friends and relatives and we do not know where the problem lies. It’s hard to explain the absolute reason. I think it boils down to individual differences. I hate her superiority, she hates my stance. She despises my guts, I scorn her domineering personality. The list can go on and on...Like we have done nothing really bad to each other but a simple conversation can really spark hell in our house. I spend sleepless nights trying to figure out who’s at fault but I have been thinking in vain. It seems irreparable. What can I do? I love her in my own way but I think our predicament is something that we have to live with... or live without....Lucasia Dima

Sometimes, relationships need time to ripen, like some stubborn fruit. No matter how hard you try, you can’t hurry something that has its own internal timetable. Sometimes it takes more experience, more wisdom, and more history, but sometimes, it just takes some good old-fashioned time — and lots of it.

My brother and I never got along as kids. I was seven years younger and I was a pesky geek. He on the other hand, tormented me to no end. But for some unexplained reason, we actually started getting along as adults. No big epiphany, no big dramatic moment where we realized that we were fruits of the same tree and therefore be swathed with fraternity and kinship, no divine parting of the clouds with the heavens commanding that we be no Cain and Abel; we just stopped fighting one day and got along ever since.

Maybe it’s called growing up. You can both be past a hundred years old and still be bickering kids inside. Age never did have anything to do with growing up. Maybe when the time comes when you can set aside both your petty and your bigmomma differences, then you can learn to rediscover each other and start from scratch. It can happen tomorrow, or it can happen only after menopause neutralizes the bile you have for each other. What tomorrow holds, only God knows.

So for now, like I said, leave it be. You have the rest of your lives to figure out why you can’t stand each other, and to figure out if it’s wiser to stay this way or to let sleeping bitches lie and finally mend fences. Live your own lives, independent of each other, and let time heal, or rend, as it sees fit.

Maybe one of the reasons the clash is so intense is because the two of you are still locked in ‘roles’ you’ve had to play earlier in life. Maybe your sister wants to maintain her elder sister role by insisting that you acknowledge her position as the wiser, more knowledgeable ‘Ate’. On the other hand, eager to prove that you are just as good as the ‘Ate’ you admire you might come off to her as someone who challenges her authority or position in the family. I wouldn’t be surprised if she thinks you don’t hold her in high regard. Maybe you both just want validation from each other that you are anyway afraid to give to each other. If siblings do not transcend these roles they’ve had to play while growing up there will be a problem when they become adults and the roles are all of a sudden done away with. The tendency is that you cannot relate to each other as adults.

Let’s face it, when you grow up and you’re your own person, it can be hard for the older siblings to recognize that you don’t need them anymore as you did when you were much younger. The younger ones, in turn, have an overload of insecurities from their need to be recognized for their own person and not as the shadow of the older sibling. What results is a constant clash between two people who just cannot relate to each other separate from their roles as siblings.

My advice is that one of you will have to start giving way to the other. And because you are the one who seems to want and crave for a resolution here, you might have to be the one to do just that. The fight starts because neither of you wants to back down. Every single thing, every single word spoken or every act made becomes a point of contention. If just one of you will give way to the other then there will be a little bit more peace. You both are eager to fight, to struggle and to compete. If one just let’s go of it and let the other sibling have her way, there will be no fight to speak of.

Why don’t you try it the next time you see her. Even if she says something that you absolutely hate or disagree with, tell yourself to let it go. That is it not important right then and there to be right and to prove her wrong. Turn your attention to something else like having some real conversation with your parents, which you might have neglected because you were too busy fighting. Or if she starts asserting her older sister-position over you, let her have her moment and just acknowledge that she is still your elder sister. Maybe if she sees that you’re not reacting the way you usually react then she’ll start to relax around you too.

If this course of action doesn’t work, then it’s time to put some space between the two of you. Sometimes, time works wonders for relationships. If enough of it is spent away from each other, we sometimes realize just how much they mean to us. Consider not seeing each other for a long while, as much time as you need to gain some perspective on the situation. This is better than having to put so much stress on your parents because of your constant fighting. You have no idea how much parents grieve to see that their children cannot get along.

Bottom line here is that whatever the state is of your relationship with your sister, you both are to blame for it. She reacts to you as much as you react to her. If dealing with her the way you have in the past just doesn’t work,then it’s time to change your approach when it comes to your sister. Hopefully, a slight change from one of you will be enough to create a change that will bring a little bit more peace to your family.