Today I have a guest writer in my den. I cannot say no dahil baka bugbugin ako. Ladies and gentlemen, this lion’s pride… Ms. Eileen Macapagal (applause).
Studying abroad has always been a dream of my daughter, Jocas Eightria M. de Leon. At twelve, she begged Joey and I to allow her to join the summer study program to London. And again after her junior high at Poveda, it should have been her brother Jako’s turn to study abroad. But since he is not interested, she volunteered to again join the Spain summer study program of IFS.
The day I accompanied her to New York for her first year at Fordham University, I kept asking her if she really wants to push through with this. From the moment we left the house to the time we entered the plane and the stop at the L.A., I kept asking her the same question.
I sounded like a father repeatedly asking his daughter if she really wants to marry the man waiting for her at the altar and assuring her that it is okay to go say no and to go home. All through out and in between sobs, she said yes to me, assuring me that she has made up her mind and that she will forever be sorry if she will not push through with her studies in New York. She would not want to live her life with the question, what if?
Why New York? Choosing the school wasn’t her first consideration. She chose the city first before the school. A university in the middle of a corn field is not her idea of college life. She wanted it all, shops, school, lifestyle and experience.
The first year was pretty hard and tough. I wanted the communication between us going, so I had to call her at least every other day (Wala pang VOIP and overseas calls can be very expensive. No chat and yahoo messenger then. Ngayon with all the modern technology, I call her up everyday.) to check on her and keep her company for even 30 minutes.
Leaving her alone in New York was the hardest thing for me to do. Reliving the moment makes me cry. Doing this piece makes me cry. Barely on her second week in New York, the 9/11 incident happened. Between making her come home versus the amount paid for her tuition, it was wiser and easier for us to decide to let her stay. Plus none of the other international students are going home and she is safer in the dorm than on the plane.
It took her a year to adjust to New York, to Fordham and to her roommates. She would cry on the phone every time we talk but you never hear her say, "I want to go home." The Filipino security officer stationed at the library felt sorry for her that he treated her to dinner at the university cafeteria.
Speaking and thinking in English 24/7 was taxing and causing her headaches. She goes to my friend’s home every weekend in New Jersey just to have a semblance of Filipino family life. Plus she gets to eat for free, Filipino food pa.
We both agreed to look at Fordham on a per semester, per year basis. One semester down, another one to go. One year down, three more to go. We also agreed that after the first year and she wants to come home, she can and there will be no questions asked. And she continues her studies at the U.P.
But, after her second year—whether she likes it or not—she will have to finish her studies at Fordham. Joey told her that fine she can always come home. But, she cannot just say she wants to go back in a whim.
She celebrated her 21st birthday, September of last year, her third straight birthday without mom and dad. The last birthday we celebrated together was her 18th birthday. Where did her 19th and 20th year go? Feeling ko tumanda na lang kaagad ang anak ko.
This May 21st, she is graduating with a major in Economics and a minor in Political Science. Four years flew so fast. It seems just like yesterday when we accompanied her to take the SATs at the International School. It seems just like yesterday, when Joey cried in the elevator of a hotel in Thailand unabashed upon hearing Jocas’ voice when we called him telling him to say that we have just landed in New York.
I can still remember, freshman moving day. We came in late, we introduced ourselves to her four other roommates. The only bedspace left for my daughter was on the upper bunk of the double deck. The only space left for her clothes was the closet in the living room. I said to myself, "kawawa naman ang anak ko. Tira-tira na lang." One mom was on the floor, frantically looking for the outlet to set up her daughter’s computer. Pati ba naman saksakan unahan pa?
I remember the time when she called to say that she couldn’t start her computer, about to cry. I told her to stay calm and try to restart her computer. Tracing the source of her predicament, she forgot to plug the computer (bright di ba?).
Now, she still calls if something untoward happens, but on the other line she quickly says, "It’s okay mom, ‘la ka namang magagawa, ang layo mo." The first time I heard that, it broke my heart. I felt not needed anymore. First year, it’s as if she doesn’t want to put down the phone (kausapin mo pa ko, please). After the first year, it is "Mom, call later may ginagawa pa ko." Now, it is my turn to pacify myself. I tell myself, "malaki na talaga ang anak ko. Kaya nang mabuhay, may sarili nang buhay."
As a graduation gift, she asked us for another year to finish her Masters in Economics. I couldn’t say no. No matter how much I wanted her home—just like the first time she asked permission to study abroad. I don’t want to say no to her dreams. She, at this point, is living her dreams and all I can do is support her and pray that every thing turns out okay.
Jocas graduates today, and Joey and I deserve that pat on the shoulder, saying that we did something right in our lives to deserve a daughter like her. A rather easy child to raise; a child that had brought us so much pride and joy. Congratulations, anak. Continue to dream and to live your dreams. Dad and I will always be here to support you and will patiently wait for you to come home.
