If they do, then tell them, "Hoy! Pinoy Ako!"

I once was brought to Japan by Joed Serrano for a show. During my performance, Joed encouraged audience participation by picking on a Pinay in the audience saying, "Halika nga dito pokpok ka!" Having worked at sing-along bars and karaoke joints in my early years, I was used to that kind of language so I thought the invitation would be taken as mere baklaan.

But no! The Filipina—who happened to be a Japayuki pala—got offended. Eh syempre nga naman, Japayuki ka, tapos tatawagin ka pang pokpok, di ba? Nagalit yung Pinay—tapos nagtawag ng kaibigan.

Turns out, yung kaibigan niya, Yakuza. When the Japanese saw me, he began yelling at me na parang nagmumura. I couldn’t tell for sure because I hardly know Niponggo except some key sentences as "Magkano yan, ale?" or "Di kita maintindihan."

But because he seemed like he was yelling invectives at me, I retaliated likewise. I blessed him with bad words from head to foot, too. Syempre, ba’t ako magpapatalo? At saka ok lang yon—Tagalog naman so hind niya ako naiintindihan.

Anyway, nuong mga limang minuto na kaming nagmumurahan, Joed got scared. To mollify the Japanese, he brought out pictures of my kids and put it onstage! Para nga naman maawa. And it worked! Kita mo sa mukha nung hapon na para siyang binuhusan ng malamig na tubig.

Sensing opportunity at hand, I began crying. The Japanese said, "don’t cry" in Niponggo (I think but who knows for sure, right?). I said, "No! Stop talking to me!" He handed me tissue paper. I said, "No! I don’t need that!" I, of course, was secretly hoping he would fish out some Japanese yen from his wallet, maybe a lapad or two. Syempre, Yakuza yon, madami yung pera, di ba?

And he did. He gave me lapad. I cried harder. He gave me some more. I cried even harder. By the time I stopped—at hulas na hulas na ang make-up ko by then huh!—I was several thousands richer. Buti na lang pala, nakipagmurahan ako!

Then there was that trip in Madrid when I wanted to enter a Ferragamo store. It turns out, di ka pala basta-basta makakapasok duon. You have to line-up. So hinarang ako ng guard on my way in.

So what am I to do but tell him, "No, she’s my friend!" pointing to a lady inside the store. Pero sa totoo lang, nuon ko lang nakita ang pagmumukha ng babaeng yon sa tanang buhay ko!

The guard wouldn’t let up, though. Nagwala na ako. I told him, "Why? Who’s Ferragamo, anyway? You...do you know...Philip Salvador?" The guard looked perplexed. I followed up, "How about Kris Aquino? Do you know Philip Salvador and Kris Aquino?"

Pinagsanib pwersa ko yung dalawa. Lalong naguluhan yung guard. Malay nga ba naman niya kung sino yung dalawang yon? At lalong malay ba niya na dating magdyowa yung dalawa?

Unfortunately, I still was not allowed inside the store. Walking away, I thought, "Balang araw, magkakaroon din ako ng Ferragamo.

At di ko to kailangan pagpilahan, humph!"

Recently, I went to the States for a vacation. At the airport, before stepping out, I spoke with an immigration officer. She inspected my bag. Then she said, "You’re going on one week vacation here yet you only have $500?" I told her, "So what? I have credit cards left and right—front and center!"

Nagalit yung immigration officer. Sa sobrang inis yata niya, halos malamukos niya yung dokumento ko na nasa kamay niya. She rummaged through my bag some more and found...

"What’s this?" she said suspiciously holding up a small bottle.

"Oil, oil! That’s my oil, gaddamit! You know...for my gas. Gas—kabag! You want?"

But she just won’t be moved. She had me write my name, address and contact person on a piece of paper. Ako naman, natuwa.

Akala ko kasi, may raffle at ihuhulog niya yung papel ko sa tambyolo. It turns out, she just wanted to verify if I really am a singer and award-winning actress in my country. Award-winning daw, o? Hahaha!

An interview at the U.S. embassy also yielded funny anecdote. When I presented my passport to the consul, he said, "What’s this?

Have you been denied before?" He was pointing at something on the page of my passport. I looked at it and said, "No!" Akala ko kasi mantsa lang yon.

The consul told me, "What are you going to do in the States?" Syempre, sinabi ko yung totoo. Sabi ko, "I’m going to sing in your country! I’m going to make people there very, very happy" Di ba dapat natuwa siya?

But no, we ended up debating about whether she would issue a visa to me or not. Nagsusuplada na ako at that point. Every question she threw at me, I kept answering with "Whaaatt??!?" Eh sa totoo namang di ko maintindihan, eh. We took so long that I’m sure the person behind me was thinking, "Sana umalis na sa harapan ko tong haba baba na to!"

Suddenly, the consul raised her hand. Akala ko duduruin niya ako. So I told him, "Don’t...don’t...’duro’ me (I don’t know the English for ‘duro’ then)! What’s the problem? That’s...you are...that is....racial discrimination! You don’t racial discrimination me because you are in my country. Di porke’t nasa loob tayo ng U.S. Embassy (which I later found out is U.S. territory), pwede na kayong umarte ng di maganda! Hoy—Pinoy ako, no!"

And what do you know? I got the visa. Multiple.

(Comedy Concert Queen Ai Ai de las Alas is guest performer tonight in Regine Velasquez’s "Reflection" series at the Aliw Theater. She also recently guested at the Backroom Inc-produced "Paskong Pasasalamat Concert" of Erik Santos held at Marikina Riverbanks. Ai Ai is lead star in ABS-CBN shows "ETK" and "My Juan and Only").