LUNAR JULY. It’s that time of the year again when things turn from bad to worst (the stars spell out "worst" not "worse" so they probably really mean "worst." Who knows for sure?). A lot of irresponsible spending last month has sucked out any spending power you may have had. Your credit cards lay limp inside your wallet even as your piggy bank says "moo" instead of "oink." So typical. Anyway, you will cry to the heavens, "Why Me?" after that 1980’s Irene Cara song. The only good thing from all this is that you will discover 80’s fashion as a result and you will learn how to moonwalk with your undergarments showing and in lace gloves.

People would either think you’ve completely lost it or just stricken with some contagious if not incurable viral infection. They will run away from mere sight of you. Fortunately, you have an ally in one born in the year of the sheep (goat? It doesn’t matter). He or she, or quite possibly a he-she, will lend you money but only after you tell he-she that you need it for your brother who happens to have taken up sky gliding as a profession. You will tell the sheep that your brother’s parachute didn’t open in time and so he’s now bedridden in "a really ugly position from all the broken bones" in some Intensive Care Unit. You will knock on wood three times discreetly (and probably say "Home!" to yourself like Dorothy who, of course, you’re not) and hope the sheep will not notice.

LUNAR AUGUST. You will travel! Hooray! you think but hark! It’s only a trip to the pharmacy since the company’s messenger boy has been AWOL for some time now. In vain, you argue with your boss that it’s not part of your job description. Your boss will look at you silently for a few seconds and then burst out in this horribly nasal laughter. "I order, you obey – if you want to keep your job," he will tell you, snorting in unbecoming fashion. You remember the reams of files he has of your past scams from previous calls locked up in his drawer. Very reluctantly do you get the money from him and plot his death. Still, the stars don’t bless fulfillment of this endeavor for your other officemates will beat you to it. Shucks, indeed!

LUNAR SEPTEMBER. Someone is interested in you. He watches you from afar and pretends to look anywhere but in your direction when you turn your eyes on him. You become conscious of your appearance and stop wearing your undergarments showing outside and your lace gloves. Sadly, he loses interest in you as soon as you do. Later, he will be picked up by policemen in the corner where you wait for your taxi. He will be taken to some mental institution, foaming in the mouth while protesting savagely. "She is Leni Santos! She is Leni Santos!" he insists. But you will never know this. You have lost your soulmate forever. Shame…

LUNAR OCTOBER. Everywhere, people are putting up decorations made of colorful tinsel. Everywhere, people are wrapping gifts in colorful paper. Everywhere, people sing old songs that speak of a baby being born in a manger, three wise men, and a star one song suggests was actually a UFO You are oblivious to all this, however, because you have been consulting the lunar instead of the Roman calendar and insist that you’re not even into the ‘ber’ months yet. You are stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. At least, that’s what the stars say…

LUNAR NOVEMBER. You realize that Christmas had really just passed you by. You confess this sincerely to your officemate but they just give you a look as if you just sprouted another head from your shoulder. You’ll get a gift from an officemate – one rotting fruitcake. You suspect that it was recycled and so you pay the good deed forward. You rewrap the fruitcake and then give it to your boss. He screams at you. You scream back at him but only in your dreams. You still could not swipe your credit cards to get yourself something decent for the New Year as you have only been paying minimum all these months. You change your mobile phone number but the credit company will still be able to track you down. "From your boss? Now, about your balance…" the credit card company telemarketer will tell you when you ask him how he got your new number. You suddenly fake a Russian accent and deny that you are who you are.

LUNAR DECEMBER. All the lucky stars have connived to deliver you from your bad luck! You pay off your debts. You become popular in office with officemates insisting that no party is worth attending without you on the guest list. You lose weight and your boss tells you that you are up for the next promotion. Your neighbors smile at you when you meet each other. Your pets greet you wildly when you come home. You are a hero, a star, an icon, all of a sudden.

And then you wake up.