I am a college student, and I’ve just been bothered by this question for so long. Is it possible to love a person whom you’ve only met once, four years ago? During that four years, he’s always stayed in your mind and heart.

Could it be love even without any assurance or communication? Could it still be love even if you haven’t seen each other after those four years?

I’m asking this question because of my friend. She’s an athlete, and during one tournament she met a guy with whom she (supposedly) had a great time. That tournament was the only time they ever met, but she assures me that he’s still in her mind and heart and that what they had between them was love.

Half of me wants to call her silly, and the other half marvels at her conviction. I don’t think the guy is in love with her at all — the least he could have done was call, right? — but is my friend the one in love? Surely, nobody is loony enough to keep on holding to that one experience for four years.

So, is my friend sincere in her declarations of love? Does she need to see a shrink, pronto? Or is she holding on WAY too long to a fantasy that’s never going to happen again? Is it healthy for her to keep obssessing over this one guy? -Cheelloy-

CHICO SAYS... Quite frankly, no, I don’t think it’s love at all. Experience has taught me that it is sooo easy to romanticize a day-long tryst.

Some people can build a lifelong obssession on a mere glance from a complete stranger, however fleeting.

What your friend has done is put this guy she hardly knows on a pedestal. The very fact that they never saw each other again is the very same reason why he has become inextricably entrenched in that pantheon of perfect men.

She never had a chance to truly know the person in all his everyday ordinariness for all she knows he chews with his mouth open, or has a lethal fart, or yells at waiters, or tortures puppies, or is racist, or sexist, or whatever else it is you discover about a person as you get to know them through the years.

On the other hand, he could’ve turned out to be perfect — but that’s the point – she never got to know whether he’s a dream boy or a demonspawn.

So given the choice, she chose to gild him with the finest gold and adored him on his altar of perfection. She never saw him again, so there’s nothing to prove her otherwise.

Is she being foolish? In my humble opinion, very much so.

Is she insane? I wouldn’t go that far. We all have our share of crushes on celebrities, schoolmates, officemates, who never even knew we existed. It’s harmless daydreaming, of that unattainable ideal, as long as you know that that is all it is. The moment she can’t move on, or the moment she is unable to get into a romantic relationship because no one lives up to the bar that her "perfect man" has impossibly set, then that’s when it becomes a problem. This shadow of a man that she has chosen to love will eventually sabotage any real chance at happiness she may still have.

If it’s just a crush, let her have her fantasy. If you feel it has taken her far from the reality of things, then maybe you should interevene and have a talk with her. Not to wield the truth like a blunt instrument that you will bludgeon her with, but to gently walk her through what may be a web of fantasy that she has unwittingly spun herself. Be kind. We all yearn for that perfect man or woman, and it is perfectly forgiveable to wander far from the realm of logic in our pursuit of them. Love is an insanity, so it’s okay if it drives us crazy every now and then.

DELAMAR SAYS... How can you love someone you don’t really know?

To know someone and to understand someone is to love them. With such a brief encounter, there isn’t much that has been established except attraction and definitely a good time together. That is hardly love. That could be the start of love but I don’t think this is the real thing yet. What it is is a powerful attraction strong enough to remain active long after they’ve parted ways and haven’t communicated for four years.

The truth is she doesn’t really know him. She knew what he was like in the brief moment that they were together but she doesn’t know what he is outside of that polite and courteous stage after their first meeting.

What does he like to do? What are his ambitions in life? What was his childhood like? Who are his parents and what kind of relationship does he have with them? What are his religious convictions, if any? What kind of friend is he? How many girlfriends has he had? How serious was he in those relationships? What kind of temperament does he have? Does he have siblings? Does he get along with them? What’s his favorite food? Does he like sports? Movies? Books?

And even if he were to have answered all the questions what one says in words might be very different from one’s actions. In short, you have to spend time with someone before you really get to their true nature and only when you’ve seen them…. really seen their character can you decide if this is someone you truly love.

I don’t doubt that your friend thinks she is in love. But at most she is infatuated with the memory of that short time in the guy’s company. And I think as time went on your friend has added a lot to the memory of him. She might have attributed a lot of characteristics she likes to him already without it really coming from the guy. She might have projected a lot of her dream traits to this guy she met that she liked one day four years ago.

That doesn’t mean this memory of him is accurate. If so, how can she truly say she loves him? At most what she can claim is that she fell in love with that guy she met for a day. But there is still a big difference between being in love WITH someone and LOVING someone.

It’s been four years. A lot has probably changed in both their lives. If they were to meet again they might be surprised at how different they both are from what they remember of their first meeting. They’d have to start anew to see if they really like each other.

I don’t think your friend is crazy. Naïve maybe, but not crazy. I think the problem here is that she might be missing out on living in the moment because she’s hung up on an imagined past. It would be sad for her not to enjoy new male friends who are in front of her because she’s still in love with a man she knew for such a short time and whom she hasn’t seen in four years.

Meanwhile, YOU don’t have to be too worked up about it. You can voice out your opinion to her just so she knows what you think but after that better that leave it alone. It’s her life; she has to decide for herself what she wants to do. Don’t force her to change her mind or forget what happened. She will when she wants. And then she can probably move on with her life.

In the meantime, maybe it will be good for her to start meeting new guys and really getting to know them by spending time with them. Maybe the best way to help her forget the past is to enjoy the present.