In attempt to curb ‘unauthorized use of the internet’ (which is moronic since when did surfing the world wide web require permission from anyone?), our call center has planted a ‘cookie’ that pops up when an employee accesses the internet during his shift. The ‘cookie’ is so obvious because it’s a survey that asks questions about the company one works in (as if anybody cares!).

While doing the daily report and researching on the net how many books my favorite author E.L. Konigsburg has published, the cookie popped up.

"Congratulations!!! You have just won a free laptop from mybeautifulreward.com to be delivered anywhere you are in the world in exchange for answering a simple survey about your work place. Give it a go?"

mybeautifulreward.com? They want me to fall for something so stupid just because they say it’s from mybeautifulreward.com?

Oh well, if I must then on with the game…

"What’s your complete name? mybeautifulreward

Where are you located? Here. I mean, there. Everywhere. I’m omnipresent.

How long have you been working in the company? Too long.

What’s the nature of your job? I work for a complete cow who wouldn’t know his left hand from his right if you tie him up---not a bad idea, come to think of it.

What do you like most about your job? I love it when the system breaks down and they don’t know what to do with us because we’re paid for doing nothing.

What do you dislike about your job? Everything except the pay.

What do you think makes a good supervisor? Chronic absentia. Or if he’s in permanent peace.

What don’t you like about your supervisor? Bad breath, body odor, bad hair day, etc.

How many friends do you have at work? No one. They’re all dead. No wonder.

Would you recommend your company to unemployed friends? Would you like to see your head on a silver platter?

What are your career plans? To blow up this office into smithereens.

How long do you think will it take you to achieve this? Soon as I’m done with you.

How do you think can the company you work in improve itself? By closing.

How would you rate your company in the scale of 1 to 5 (5 being the highest and 1, the lowest)? 666

What are you most proud of about your company? Provision of free coffee. On second thought, scrap that. Coffee from our vendo machine is vile.

What makes you stay in the company? Good airconditioning. Beats tarrying at Shoemart all day.

Do you own a laptop? Why would I answer this stupid ‘survey’ if I do? You’re stupid.

What brand? You’re stupid.

Model? Stupid! Stupid! Stupid. Gago!

What do you often use it for? To answer trick surveys as this. Otherwise I surf for free porn or have cyber sex with strangers.

Did you find this survey helpful in realizing your position as far as the worthiness of your company is concerned? Gago."

I did not click send.

(TO BE CONTINUED)