Thus, describes ex-Freestyle vocalist, Top Suzara, on how bad he was feeling during the last days with the band leading to his quitting it in April 2005.

Top, who stayed with Freestyle close to nine years when he wrote and sang lead on some of their biggest hits as "Before I Let You Go," "So Slow" and "Para Sa Yo," says that to this day, he still doesn’t know what his Freestyle singing partner, Jinky Vidal, had against him "because she never told me."

"Basta napansin ko na lang na hindi niya na ako binaback-up-an sa mga numbers namin during gigs. Minsan, she’d just walk out pag turn ko na kumanta or she’d just announce my number coldly like, ‘Here’s my singing partner.’ Looking back, unti-unti na din niyang hindi kinakanta yung mga songs na sinusulat ko for our albums. I thought it was just one of her seasonal moods but, no, it ran deeper than that as it turned out," says Top.

The singer refers to a meeting he had with the band prior to his quitting when he had hoped to get to the bottom of things and patch up differences.

"At first, Jinky cited some flimsy and unacceptable reasons. Eventually, ang sinabi niya na lang is, ‘Nagsimula pa to sa Davao’ when I joined the group. That hurt. It’s like being married to someone whom you swore to be with for better or for worse. Then all of a sudden, after so many years of supposedly blissful union, you’re told that there has always been a problem even before you made your vows. What was there left to say except ‘I quit? So I did," says Top.

But not immediately. Top says that he gave himself and the band a month to still fix their problems to no avail. This prompted him to finally announce in public, during one of their gigs at Tavern On The Square, that he’s throwing in the towel.

"So, you see, hindi nila masasabi that I just quit. They knew a month earlier that I already wanted out. They knew because I told them. And I could stand by this fact kahit na pagharap-harapin kami," says Top.

He denies that Jinky’s solo bid made him insecure and caused the rift between them.

"How can that be when all of us have always expressed support should she decide to go in that direction? The thing is, I was only told that she was ‘ready’ to go solo, months after she had already started recording! When she told us, she explained that it was just a side project; akin to what Beyonce Knowles did when she released a solo album then got back with her group, Destiny’s Child, shortly after," Top says.

He continues: "But if that was the case, then why was Freestyle already auditioning for her replacement? It’s as if we were being used as insurance; that is, if her solo bid works out, then she leaves us for good. If it doesn’t, then she still has us."

Top admits to have contemplated leaving the country and the music business after exiting Freestyle. For almost a year did he not accept shows being offered to him. The guitar that ominously broke a string on the night he announced his departure from the group lay neglected in one corner of his room.

"The world stopped for me. I did not want to work and was just living on my savings. When I did watch TV, I only tuned in to HBO, Discovery Channel and the news. I also couldn’t bring myself to listen to any of our old albums then because it pained me to realize that I invested years of my life into something that would just end this way," says Top.

Music saved Top, though. At ‘rockbottom,’ did the songwriting muses visit Top more frequently. "I was writing three to four songs a day. I guess I was trying to make sense of everything through my music. I realized that being at rockbottom was not such a bad position to be in because when you’re there, there’s no other way to go but up. Things can’t get worse, so to speak, and you end up looking up to the heavens or moving sideways," says he.

This therapy is heard on Top’s first solo album under Universal Records dubbed, "Carry On." Pop-rock-oriented versus the R&B thrust Freestyle had become known for, it contains the carrier single ‘Sabihin Mo Na’ which is about apologies extending to a vow of everlasting romance. Mmmm...

"No, I wasn’t pertaining to post-Freestyle when I wrote ‘Sabihin,’" says Top. "The other songs, yes, especially ‘Carry On,’ but not ‘Sabihin,’" Top says.

He says that opportunity to make up with Jinky presented itself last month during the wake of his father who passed away from cancer of the liver. Yet, although Jinky paid her last respects to his Dad by coming, she "did not condole with me."

"I was told by my uncles and aunts that they broached the idea to her. Sabi daw nila kay Jinky, ‘Why don’t you approach Top so you could tell him ‘condolence’ personally?’ But Jinky just said, ‘Sa inyo na lang po.’ Shortly after, she left," Top says.

The singer says that he had held his peace on the subject until now because he doesn’t want to rub the issue in.

"Ayoko ng palakihin. Unang-una, babae si Jinky. Pangalawa, asawa niya ang pinsan ko na si Tat who’s also a member of Freestyle. Pangatlo, and more importantly, I’m happy for their current successes. Sabi na nga nila sa mga interview, mas masaya sila now and that things couldn’t be better. Good," says Top.

The singer says that Jinky calling him up or texting him at anytime is most welcome. "Ni wala ng sorry na kailangan kasi I want to put everything behind us," ends he.

Top is currently being managed by Primeline of Ronnie Henares. He also recently joined ABS-CBN’s ‘ASAP ‘o6’ family as one of its prized co-hosts .