Stay Alive," the movie about a horror survival video game, ought to be called "Stay Awake." Or "Catatonia (Coming @ Ya)."

The plot seemed promising. A group of teenagers inherit the supposedly next generation videogame from a friend who died mysteriously in same manner as the character he played in the game. Naturally (or there won’t be any story — which means the producers of this film can’t rip you off, can they?), these kiddies play the game to find out for themselves what the fuss is all about.

The fuss turns out to be a wuss. The plot of "Stay Alive" is hinged on a 17th century noblewoman named "The Blood Countess" who can’t stand how she looks. She has bloodshot eyes, wrinkly face and visible veins on the palest complexion anywhere. We suspect the tight bun of a hair-do cause all the above as with the habit of sleeping in quarters sans sunlight (e.g. coffin).

Her personal advisers/stylists ought to have been burned at the stakes for advising the Countess to wear a metal girdle 24/7. No wonder she’s cross! The pressure on her internal organs would drive anyone mad.

Anyway, the Countess projects her self-loathing on others (even centuries down the line — and via online at that!) by inflicting pain then exacting death on those who make the mistake of paying a courtesy call at her mansion. It’s actually a twisted version of the evil queen in "Snow White" or unresolved "Ugly Duckling" with a narcissistic vendetta — only both don’t send you snoring as fast.

But before the curse is conjured nowadays, people must do the first day high. No, seriously, they must say aloud a badly written prose before the game begins. The game won’t move forward if they don’t so they did.

Why they didn’t push restart (or why we didn’t just push the stop button on our DVD player at this point) boggles the mind.

It turns out to be a spooky game alright but only because the volume suddenly rises several decibels higher when grisly happenings transpire. It’s like the people behind this crap don’t trust you to know when you’re supposed to be scared so they cue you in. Perhaps they think that with current world events (Lebanon, Guimaras oil spill, Christina Aguilera releasing yet another album), people’s threshold for horror is up notches higher.

We got spooked because we feared tinnitus might set in. Given what we earn, a trip to the EENT would be rude expense.

Soon one of the teenagers die, too, and in the same way as his character did in the game. Just another coincidence? Those still alive are not sure. They discuss it but they are not sure. While pondering on what they’re supposed to think (they can’t seem to be sure until everyone agrees — democracy at work, ladies and gentlemen), some still play the game.

Another one dies soon enough. Run down by a coach in the middle of a deserted highway. Why he didn’t just step aside remains a wonder weeks later and, no, is stupidity that will haunt us for the rest of our lives. At that point, however, we just yawned.

Okay, so it’s the video game killing us, they finally realize. Okay, we better tell investigators our suspicions, they decide. So they did. Guess what happened?

One of the investigators gets into the game himself. Guess its called immersion (don’t kick it, til you try it). Guess they have nothing better to do? No mass murderer to run after? No terrorists to stop? No drug syndicate to crack?

How to stop digital diabolica: You go to the source of the evil. Here, it happens to be a house in the suburbs instead of a multilevel building in the heart of urban. More, it’s the house that inspired the game! Resident evil — how apt?

The plot turns from sad to silly at this point that you start rooting for the Bloody Countess. Get her! Get him! In fact, get all of them! Save us from insipid shrieking and running in circles. Please. We have been praying for the credits to roll up an hour ago. Please. Help. Us.

In the end, the seemingly indestructible Bloody Countess is annihilated by…you wouldn’t want to know. Knowledge of is like a thorn on the side (hint, hint).

"Stay Alive" should be "Stay Awake." Or Stay Away.