Good day! I am a government employee and a father of 1 year old Angela Marie C. Vargas. I would like to know how can we avoid my daughter’s mannerism - she nods her head on the floor whenever she fails to get what she wants.

Suzi says

Hello there daddy!

First of all thank you so much for writing us. It must be incredibly worrisome for your family to see your daughter hit her head on the floor when she throws her tantrums. But one thing is for sure, many toddlers have the tendency to hurt themselves during tantrums.

Would you believe there are some children who hit their heads on the wall or floor to calm themselves down? It is believed that some children find this activity soothing. They even do this when they are sleepy. Another reason why kids bang their heads is when they feel pain. When they experience teething or have an ear infection, the pain that they feel when they bang their heads temporarily distracts them from the original pain. At least it is a kind of pain that they can control. Another reason (albeit a rarer variety) is that they do this solely just to get attention.

Your daughter does this when she doesn’t get what she wants because she cannot properly vent her frustration. There are two kinds of tantrums (well there might be more out there but let’s limit it to two for now). One is the frustration tantrum and the other is the manipulative type. When your child is too young to be able to express herself through words, she will most definitely act out to display her anger or displeasure. This is the frustration tantrum. The manipulative tantrumer is however one who does it deliberately to get what she wants because she knows her folks will give in just to get her to stop. Well at least that’s what she’s hoping for!

So your child throws a tantrum. A lot of kids do! But it’s more of a cause for concern when your child starts hurting herself. No parent wants that. And it’s doubly worse when it happens in public! As if it isn’t hard enough trying to get your child to calm down, other people have to watch while you’re doing it adding to the pressure! Well you know it’s your child. And as long as your intentions are good (as most parent’s intentions are), stick to your guns.

The first thing to do is to protect your child from seriously injuring herself. If you are at home and she starts banging her head, try to move her to the bed. If you try to stop your child by wrestling with her, she might increase the intensity of her head-banging. This might be an awful exercise at first, not doing anything. But as with many things that we don’t want our children to do (like when they say bad words and such) when we show that it elicits a reaction from us, they will continue to do it. If you cannot just ignore her, you can try to embrace her and say soothing words in her ear. You can also try to fill in the blanks for her. Kids usually throw tantrums when they cannot express themselves. So assign easy words so that she can learn to express herself better in the future. When she bangs her head because you won’t give her another cookie, say something like, "You are mad because papa won’t let you eat another cookie? Cookie tomorrow. No cookie now. Play now." Something simple like that. Just keep talking and be consistent with your words so she will remember.

If she doesn’t like to be held and becomes more agitated when you embrace her, go back to the ignoring technique. Be strong. You will get used to it and hopefully, your daughter will stop.

Also, do remember that head banging is self-regulating behavior. When your daughter feels real and serious pain, she will back off instinctively. Your only cause for concern is when your child hurts herself seriously and yet still does not stop. Take her to the doctor and have her assessed.

After some time, your child will learn to understand that there are things that she can’t have all the time. She will also learn to express herself better and learn to compromise. And actually, you will too. Good luck daddy! God bless your family.

Paolo says

It sounds like you’re dealing with a tantruming toddler. First off, it’s perfectly normal for toddlers to be tantrum-prone; though the banging of the head is a bit extreme. You definitely need to stop her from that...by addressing the cause of her tantrums and changing her reaction to the stimuli. I think you should first try to understand what is causing her tantrums and appreciate how frustrating it can be for a toddler. They can’t communicate what they want. Hence the tantrums in the first place.

Tantrums can be a battle of wills, and it can also be very frustrating on your part because you cannot reason with your toddler. Common advice is not to over-react and allow your child’s tantrum to manipulate you. Stay calm, and soothe your child rather than shout and over-react. And never lose your temper to the point that you will resort to hitting. Also make sure that it’s not stressors at home that cause her outbursts. Happy homes, makes a happy child. Dealing with kids at this stage is a real mystery; but it’s also an important part of the journey and we should try to learn as much from it as we can.