Sometime this year, when I was experiencing financial difficulties, I made the mistake of taking Basti to the mall with me. I was down, and needed to window shop to try and get a little high. He saw this toy robot that cost more than what toy robots cost when I was a child. When I explained to him that I really couldn’t afford it no matter how much he wanted it. Basti, with longing in his eyes you can only see in a child, turned his back on the toy and held my hand.

At that moment, my appreciation of my son and the wisdom that children have couldn’t have been greater. But I also kind of knew that parents must have gone through what I went through. There’s always this slight hesitation, a slight pang a parent feels when one must give a child something other than what a child needs, or when one cannot afford to give what a child wants. Sometimes, parents will instead buy something that they can afford that the child will try to like.

And now that it’s the Christmas season, almost all parents know that it’s also the time of "gimme-this, gimme-that" for kids. Thanks to society’s ever-growing consumerism, most kids now equate the holidays with gift-receiving. But how do we teach our kids to appreciate gifts that they don’t really like in the first place, but which they nevertheless received?

According to psychologist and family therapist Evelyn Panganiban, very young children don’t know and understand the concept of gratitude in the first place.

On their own, they wouldn’t know the value of receiving something and saying ‘thank you’ for it," she says. "So don’t get too affected if your child seems rude or impolite, and if, instead of saying ‘thank you’ they say ‘I don’t want that’."

She adds, "That is, in fact, the sign to parents that you have to start teaching your children that happiness should not be equal to having something they want."

Evelyn reminds parents, though, that teaching our kids this simple lesson is not meant to be easy. It would mean parents needing to go against the flow of consumerism encouraged in our culture today.

"It’s normal for kids to ask for things they want," says Evelyn. "And notice how they are so good at lobbying about what they want and convincing their parents to give it to them."

Based on my experience, it pays to listen to other people about not spoiling your child. There is wisdom in what other people see about you and your child’s actions, them being the third party who sees you and your child more objectively. In my case, I listen to my mom whenever she tells me that Basti is asking for too much.

At the same time, as a parent, I also have an instinct about whether I should give my child something he is asking for or not. I always ask myself, is it reasonable? Does he deserve it? Can I afford it? If I buy it, will it or will it not destroy my budget? Depending on the answers to these four questions, I would buy something for my child (but usually, I end up buying really good books for kids…on sale).

When I was growing up, I always heard the phrase "needs, not wants" in the Catholic school I attended. It was a struggle to understand it then, and a struggle to make Basti understand it now.

But the key is to be firm and to be patient in explaining to your child when it is good to ask for something, when they can expect something and how they should feel when they don’t get that something. I always tell Basti this (and it usually works), "Kung merong pambili, meron. Kung wala, wala." With this firm statement, all the whining stops. And although he will have a little grudge in the beginning, it will eventually fade into understanding.

Evelyn says that parents should train the children to appreciate toys that they already have, and to appreciate the person who gave the toys to them, even if it's unexpected.

"This way, the child will learn to appreciate the gift and the person behind the gift," she says. "It will instill values and virtues at the same time."

Evelyn adds that although the gift may initially be something the kid doesn’t like, it could eventually become his favorite when he learns about its uses and functions. It’s up to the parent to help him discover these.

"Take the time to explain to your child what he can have or not, especially for practical reasons and when the budget is limited," says Evelyn. "Be patient in talking to your child. It will rub off on him before you know it."

The bottom line is that children imitate what they see their parents do, or say what they hear their parents say. If they see you ungrateful or disappointed about a gift you were given, they would think that complaining about something one has received is normal.

But if you show your child that you appreciate all gifts you are given (especially if it comes from them), they will do the same. Teach them that all gifts are precious, and that all gifts must be thanked for. Behind every gift received is a thought and gesture from the giver. Time and effort was put into that gift, so one must at least show appreciation by saying "thank you."

In an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, a father of a patient said, "It’s a parent’s job to control his child." How our child is molded depends on us. They will learn that when we show appreciation to others, everyone ends up happy; and that’s the way it should be.

(And by the way, I saved enough money to buy that toy robot for Basti. His patience and obedience wore off, and he’s getting a wonderful surprise on Christmas Day.)