It would have been so much easier if they had gone back on their word, at least my problem would be easier to understand.

But the thing is, they didn’t. They gave me free rein to date anybody I wanted, without a word to be heard from them, whether they approved of my choice of boyfriend or not. In the beginning, I appreciated this greatly; I treasured their trust in my decision-making skills and made sure to pick someone that they would approve of.

Patrick seemed to be that guy. Polite, charming, and witty. My parents love him as much as I do. Patrick says that he was never close with his own family and relatives, which is why he often bonds with other people. This is where my problem comes in: There are times when I go out with him that I feel like I am not just dating him, but his friends as well.

It’s not like his buddies are bad people—they’re all funny, smart, and nice and welcoming to me—but I do feel a little left out when we’re all together, what with all their inside jokes that I don’t get. This wouldn’t be a problem if we weren’t meeting with his buddies so often.

If I tell him that I just want time away from his friends, I’m afraid he’s going to take it as criticism. I don’t feel like telling my parents about it because they like him so much and even I admit that I sometimes feel like the jealous, needy girl who just wants his undivided attention. Am I that girl? If not, how can I bring up the subject without sounding like that girl? -CHLOE

CHICO SAYS...If I were hard-pressed to give just one advise for couples, it would be this one word: communicate.

If you can’t tell the man, who could potentially be the partner you’ll be living with for the rest of your days, how you feel, then you have a looong hard battle ahead of you. If this is how you really feel, whether or not it’s valid, then your boyfriend deserves to know.

True, he may process it differently than you expect, but you have to be able to tell each other how you feel without coming to blows. Being able to talk to each other, to exchange ideas, especially opposing ones, is a crucial, matterofrelationship-life-ordeath skill you need to cultivate. But remember, communication works best when it goes both ways.

So if you’re willing to talk, you must be willing and able to listen as well. You have a point. It’s not easy to inculcate yourself in a very established group and it’s very easy to feel out of place immediately. But does the answer lie only in less time spent with them?

Remember, as the newcomer, it is also your duty to assimilate their culture, know their history, learn the meanings of their injokes. It won’t happen overnight, but they also need to feel some effort on your part in trying to fit in. You could very well be sending out vibes that you’d rather be anywhere but there with them, which wouldn’t help to warm your relations with them any more.

On your boyfriend’s part, if he knew how out of place you often feel, he should try to make the transition a little smoother by being more of your "patron" when it comes to his barkada. His friends would take their cues from him as to how to treat you.

If he shows them that it’s important to him that you be included in their inner circle, it will be a little easier for you.

And on his friends’ part, unless they’re a bunch of melodramatic "Cherie Giltype" contrabidas, once they see the effort from you, hopefully they start making you feel more welcome.

I’ve been on both sides of this fence, and in my opinion, the initial push, the first effort, has to come from you. As painful as it may be to you, as unfair as it may seem, as much as you may dislike them, these people are part of your boyfriend’s life. It would be unfair of you to ask of him to throw them away just because you’re here. Cornball as it may be, truly the best way to destroy your enemies, is to make them your friends. It’s a healthier version of, "if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em".

As for your parents’ involvement in this, it isn’t really necessary. You shouldn’t have to need intercession from them. More people dipping their spoons in this pot will only spoil the dish faster. The sooner you learn to solve your own problems, the smoother your relationship will flow.

DELAMAR SAYS… The real question here is whether he spends way too much time with his friends that you don’t have time alone together or are you being too demanding with your boyfriend. Whichever the case may be, there has to be an adjustment in behavior or attitude.

Here’s the thing though, whether he is not spending enough alone time with you or if you are being the needy girlfriend you need to able to talk about these things

with your boyfriend. Being in a good relationship doesn’t mean you don’t have problems. It just means you have the tools to deal with whatever problems come

your way.

An indispensable tool to have is open communication. You must be able to tell your boyfriend things like this so that you both can deal with it. It doesn’t mean that just because you tell your boyfriend about how you are feeling he will automatically do what you want. Real communication is not about that at all. Communication just means you can discuss it, see where these feelings are coming from and then address them. Communication ensures that both people in the relationship know what the other is feeling and thinking so that you can choose how to act or react to each other’s wants and needs.

You need to bring this up with your boyfriend without nagging or being demanding or whine-y or bitchy. This should be brought up in the spirit of honesty. You want more alone time with him. That’s not a bad thing to want from someone special to you. As along as you are able to communicate this to him without being insistent then you would have done your part. He can’t read your mind and he might not know that this is bothering you already. You need to FYI him but leave him the option to react to it the way he wants to.

What he will do with this when you tell him is up to him. If he cares about you he will care enough to work through this with you. Is it possible you are overreacting? Yes. Is it possible he might be neglecting alone time with you? Yes. All this should be determined and figured out during your talk. Even if for the sake of argument you are being needy and jealous, you both must be able to talk it out so that you can both reason with each other. That’s what being in a relationship entails. You are both hitching your wagons to each other. So, now it’s not just about what you individually decide. It’s now about being aware that you two are a unit. As such, you need to be able to make decisions together…like how much time you should spend alone together...or how much time you reserve for his friends…your friends…his family…your family…etc.

Learn to talk to each other. We can’t always know our partner’s wants and/or needs and vice versa. It’s not fair if to take it against them if they don’t know.

So, we just have to learn to communicate effectively with the people we love.