Hi guys. I hope you two are in the best of health as you read this letter. Please share with me what you can about my situation.

From childhood, I have always been an overachiever. I graduated with honors and I always try to accomplish many things, be it at work, or in academics, or in my personal life. I am a master at multi-tasking, doing so many things at the same time, work, own some businesses, study, have time for my family and friends, and even my crafts, and still enjoy life for whatever it has to offer. The only thing I don’t have time for is exercise, but then again, who does?!

A few years back, my boyfriend and I put up a business and agreed that we would be co-managers, sharing the major decisions. While he was full-time with the office, I was considered "part-time" because I have another job. But if we sum up the hours, I spend more time on the business doing meetings, marketing and managing the staff than him.

When I decided to take up my MBA, he did not object because he said it was going to help the business. I could sense though that he was pissed off that besides my other job, I still managed to take up MBA. Nonetheless, I finished easily. Meanwhile, our company was consistently growing.

Two years later, I had this urge to teach on my free time or on weekends. To feel confident that I could, I decided to take up a PhD. But knowing how my boyfriend would hate the idea (because he said I can’t keep still and I just have to do something all the time), I enrolled but kept it a secret from him.

For about two years, I managed to hide my "project" from him, very carefully keeping my term papers, cases and submissions. But you cannot keep a secret for long. Accidentally, through a common friend, he found out about my studies, confronted me, and I had no choice but to admit it. He was really very mad at me, saying that I have always managed to do whatever I want without respect for him. He said he wanted to break up with me, and out of exasperation, I let him go.

Most of my friends said it was just professional jealousy, saying that while my boyfriend is smart and is a graduate of a good school, he looks at me as a competitor. Besides, my friends say he should be even proud of me that I am achieving so much on my own. Sadly, he does not see it the way my friends do.

My studying did not in anyway affect our business because it is doing good until now. It’s been two months since we broke up and we are still partners. Our personal lives have gotten in the way of our professional lives that we always fight about business decisions. He always managed to bring back this past issue. I really feel though that given time, we can work things out, maybe even get back together.

What is ironic is that a few weeks back, I heard him inquiring about MBA from a common friend. He said he was interested to study as well. I just think this is his way of getting back at me, but I am all for it. I just don’t understand his overreaction. I don’t know whether to pursue the business with him, sell my shares to him, or wait things out until the dust settles. Please share with me your wonderful wisdom and what you think is the best way to deal with this situation. - Anya

Chico says…

Let me begin with an allegory. A mom was very strict with her daughter, never letting her go out with her friends. She was so unreasonably strict that one day, the daughter decided to sneak out without permission. You can understand why the daughter gave her mom the slip, but feeling for the young girl’s cause doesn’t make the deed any less wrong.

This is how I feel about your situation. I can understand how your boyfriend is making you feel so manacled and imprisoned. This is your nature, to go after all your goals and achieve, achieve, achieve. You feel like he’s cramping your style.

But remember, when you’re in a relationship, there is really a certain amount of freedom that is freely given up. That freedom is taken in different aspects of your life. If you want unbridled freedom, then maybe a relationship has no room in your life for now, until you have satiated all your thirst for achievement.

When you decide to share your lives together, this is actually a tall order. You can’t just take care of your wants and your needs, you have to nurture your partner’s as well, even if it means giving up some liberties you once enjoyed. Maybe your boyfriend is in general possessive and competitive. I’m just saying that maybe you’re a little too independent too, which doesn’t help the cause. And I’m not saying this just because you’re the girl; the same applies to him as well. Everyone needs to feel needed. If you go off on your own all the time, then any man would feel a little insecure as to what his role is in your life. So when you enrolled in a course without telling him, it was really a slap in the face. It’s like getting married without telling your parents because you know they wouldn’t approve.

You need to understand that doing that was wrong, regardless of how you think he would react. Going after higher studies is not a bad thing. It’s deciding on your own without even consulting your partner. I’m not a control freak, but in my relationship, this is definitely one of the musts. I put my foot down that in every major decision, whether as a couple or as individuals, we need to consult each other before a choice is made.

What you should have done is to put your foot down as well, as far as studying again is concerned, but plead your case before you make any move. You have to include your life partner in your major career choices. You wouldn’t appreciate it either if the same was done to you. You basically told him that you don’t trust that he’ll do the right thing, that’s why you decided to forge ahead without informing him.

As for his being competitive with you is concerned, that’s his battle to win. The best that you can do is make sure everything is right in your corner. If you really want another chance at it, then my suggestion is to come clean then start over. Apologize for what you’ve done, acknowledge that you were wrong, then explain why his actions pushed you to make that lapse in judgment. Tell him about how you feel regarding his competitiveness, then balance it out by telling him how much you need him in your life, tell him how much you miss him, and tell him that all the laurels you win are hollow without him to share it with. Of course using your own sentiments. He’s grabbing and grabbing, because you’re holding what he wants out of his reach. Try giving it to him for a change, and you’ll see that he won’t be as needy in return. I should know, I’m an achiever too. We have a tendency to make our partners feel like they’re always being left behind. Be conscious of this and try to include him. Instead of him sulking behind you, let him march beside you as you conquer the world.

Delamar says…

First and foremost, the problem is really his. If it is true that he cannot handle an over achiever girlfriend, there is nothing much that you can really do about it. Yes, it gets in the way of loving him but if your presence and by extension your "achievements" puts him in a position where he becomes threatened, there is nothing you can do about it.

Okay, I must really stress that when you went ahead and took your PhD behind his back that was a fault on your part. Here’s why: because you did exactly what you wanted to do without consulting him or just letting him know. For you, it was just because you wanted to avoid the fight, but to your boyfriend it was a by-passing of sorts. It is like you didn’t care what he had to say and did what you wanted to do without taking him into consideration. Doing that can be fatal to a relationship. If you were single or he was just a friend that wouldn’t be much trouble really. But you’re not. You are a couple. Your lives are one. So intertwined with each other. How would you feel if your legs wanted to go somewhere where the other half of the body didn’t? It doesn’t make sense, right? And what you would have are two halves of a body going separate ways. Um…that’s a little grotesque but you get the point I am getting at, right?

You are in a relationship with a specific person because he MATTERS TO YOU more than anybody else. Your decision negated that basic principle. Your decision stoked the flames of his existing insecurities. And hid it from him too.

And he found out from other people. How do you think that felt for him? How would feel if he did that to you?

It sometimes works wonders in relationships, romantic or otherwise, if you put yourself in the other person’s shoes. You get a glimpse of the impact of your actions on the other person. And once you know how it feels, you will understand and accept that your partner’s reactions are just that, a reaction to what you did.

You have a part in the problem you have in your hands. I am not saying you are to blame. I am saying you have your share in what is here and now. What you have now are the consequences of your actions.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t recommend "dumbing yourself down" just to keep a man. I recommend being truthful, honest and open most of all to the people you care and love. Your only obligation really is to be truthful in every moment. To yourself and to others. I don’t mean bitchy or mean. I mean truthful devoid of spite. Lay it on the table and let the other person decide what they do with it. Will they accept it? Will they adapt to it? Will they argue and later on let you do it anyway? Will they love you? Hate you? It hardly matters what they do, it matters most that you do your part in every situation. And take things from there. If things don’t turn out as you hope well that’s how the chips fell. Acceptance of what is, if it cannot be changed for the better, is the way to go. At least it is the product of the truth and therefore must be accepted in no uncertain terms.

Let him do what he wants to do. That will be his decision. But if you must ask for his forgiveness, it should be for lying to him. Just because the lying hurt him. Not because you are an over achiever. That is who you are. Don’t think about whether the apology will bring him back to you. That isn’t the important thing now. It is important that you honor his feelings, something that was deprived of him when you went behind his back to do something that you knew fully well he wouldn’t have liked. It is not that you did it so much as it is the lying. Can you get how that made things worse than they already were?

You sound like a very strong and intelligent woman. Go and achieve what you can in this world. You deserve that. But just make sure that your success doesn’t demand a price you cannot live with. If it presents an expensive price and you feel you are up to it, then go ahead with no looking back and no regrets. The fact that you are looking back, it means that you regret doing what you did because it cost you your relationship with a man you loved.