DEAR CHICO AND DELAMAR...

My friend Brad and I have known each other since high school, and early into my college years I found myself developing a slight crush on him. By the time the two of us had graduated I knew that my feelings for him had grown into something more.

When I found out that he felt the same for me, I was elated. I was quickly brought down to earth, though, when he told me that he didn’t date. Rather than do that, we would just hang out together whenever we could find time out from our respective jobs. After doing that for about six months, he suddenly surprises me by proposing to me! I said yes, and we’ve been very happy with how things are going right now.

I thought that I didn’t have a problem with this, but a recent get-together with family and friends got me to thinking. When I told them that I was engaged to Brad, they were initially happy for me, until they found out that I’ve never gone out on a date with him. Now they feel that I’m going into this thing a little too quickly.

We may never have gone out on a “date” date, but we know almost everything about each other because we’ve been friends for so long. I know that I love him and that he loves me too, and I still plan on marrying him. How should I handle this without getting upset at my friends and family? -Linda

CHICO SAYS…

This could merely be a simple case of semantics. I don’t really know what your boyfriend means by “he doesn’t date”. And whatever he means by that, I also don’t know his reasons why. But the way I understand what you’re saying is that you do go out, just not on “date” dates. But what you guys have been doing, in effect, really is dating, you just choose not to label it as such.

Besides, how do you define dating? Your boyfriend fetching you in a tuxedo, then dinner by candlelight, then dancing as you are serenaded by a string quartet? I mean, have you ever watched movies together? Have you eaten in a restaurant together? Have you gone to the grocery or the mall together? Has he ever accompanied you somewhere, maybe to do a chore, or to run an errand somewhere? Have you ever talked lengthily on the phone? Maybe these don’t qualify strictly as dates, but they serve the same purpose: to serve as venues in which to know each other better.

So they may not technically be defined as dates, but in essence, they are. Because if you tell me that you agreed to marry a guy you NEVER dated, as in never spent any time together, then that’s a totally different story. But if all you mean by “never dated” is that you never went on a stereotypical textbook date, then just file it under, “some say po-tey-tow, some say po-tah-tow”. Call it what you will, but the point is, you have spent ample time together to figure out whether or not you’d want to spend the rest of your lives together.

Plus, if you’ve known him since high school, through college, and until now, you probably know more about each other than most couples who date regularly. It’s not how you do it or what you call it, it’s what you accomplish that counts.

Consider dating as research. You’re trying to find data about someone that would help you arrive at a more informed decision. It doesn’t matter how you get your data, whether through books, the internet, interviews, etc., or what you label it as, as long as you get the facts.

Maybe telling your family that you haven’t dated was inaccurate in the first place. As long as you’re sure that you know enough about this guy as you need to make your life-changing (and in the Philippines’ case, touch-move) decision, then it wouldn’t matter how you got to the decision. Allay your loved ones’ fears by explaining to them that the decision was not made with haste. Assure them that although love may be blind, your decision wasn’t made blindly.

DELAMAR SAYS...

The bottom line is: you know your fiancé more than anybody. You know him. He knows you. In all of this, it is you who is the authority on whether he will be a good partner for you in life. After all, you have known him for years. The assumption is that you have seen most sides of this guy so you are better equipped to say whether he will be a good husband or not.

If there is one thing though that I think everyone sees is that why haven’t you gone out on a date? I mean, yes he did say he doesn’t go out on dates and all that. But when you think about it, why not? Why not go out, spend time doing outdoor things, with the one you love? What is the big deal about it that he doesn’t do it? It should be the most normal thing for lovers to do, spend time just the two of you out and about seeing the world (or maybe even smaller like the nearest mall), why not go out together shopping? Watching movies? Going to the spa? Going to a park? Going out of town?
Checking out new places? I mean, that’s what loved ones do, spend time doing leisurely things. Is it the cost that he wants to avoid? Dates seem to have the assumption that one pays for other in whatever you want the date to be. If he is avoiding taking you out on a date, does that mean he is avoiding the expenses? If it does, and I mean totally avoiding paying for you sometimes, that might have repercussions on your finances that will be joined together as one when you are married. Or, is he avoiding being seen with you in public? This is probably the most suspected reason by your friends. Dating not only allows a getting-to-know-you dynamic between the lovers, it also announces/shows to the public that you are focusing your romantic attentions on a particular person.

If he isn’t doing that, the question is: doesn’t he want a public acknowledgement of your relationship?
The whole point of “dating” is to see how the other behaves in all sorts of situations and scenarios. It is supposed to give the lovers enough information about each other because you see your intended reacting or responding to real life as it is happening. Then you see if all that you uncover or all that is revealed is something you can live with for the rest of your life. You take stock if, after all that, you can love the man or woman in front of you with all of your heart and all the cells in your body. If all goes well, then you take the plunge. So more than just that he hasn’t taken you out on a date, the aspect I would be more focused on is, “WHY NOT?” Is there something being avoided? Is there something being missed here? If there is, is this a deal breaker? Or is this guy just not using the conventional definition of “dating” but essentially getting the same job done?

You of all people should know if this guy has a good reason for not dating or not. Have a talk with him about it. Tell him that some friends are worried that you have not been out on a date together and see what he says about that. It is a good time to check if the lines of communication can be open even when there is an inconvenient topic to be discussed.
In the end, even this problem is a test as to how you handle a differing of opinions and being able to communicate with your partner when what you want maybe goes against what he wants. Have a talk. Clear things up with him. Get to know the inner workings of this mind. Maybe he will give you a good reason. Maybe not. Go and find out. You are getting to know him more even with this situation.

(Chico and Delle welcome your letters. Write to: youth@mb.com.ph or fax through 527-7511. Listen to the Dynamic Duo Monday to Saturday, 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. over Monster Radio RX 93.1)