QUESTION: "Hi! How do I handle sibling rivalry? I have two boys and they fight all the time. I hope you can help me on this matter. Any piece of advice will help. Thank you so much." -- Kristine Relova

SUZI SAYS
Hello there Kristine!

First of all, so sorry I wasn’t able to see the photo of your two boys.  Because of this, I don’t know the ages of your boys.  Anyhow, sibling rivalry is sibling rivalry. And this happens at (almost) any age.

Generally, sibling rivalry is said to be aggravated by the parents! Why is it always our fault? Haha! It is said that when we compare our kids with each other, that’s when sibling rivalry worsens. But sometimes we do this not to pit them against each other. We do this sometimes to encourage the other to eat faster, do homework, pick up after himself, etc.  As long as we don’t put one kid down and exalt the other, I think this is alright.

What is important is to let both kids know what their strengths are and to explain to both that they are two different people.  For instance, one is inclined towards the arts and the other in sports. Instead of boasting, they should try to encourage each other to do better.  For instance, if the kuya is better at sports, he should be the one to guide the younger sibling.  If the younger child is better in the arts, ask kuya to join him as he makes a poster. 

Show the kids too that you, yourself, are supportive of your own husband, partner, parent, or sibling.  This way, your kids can absorb that vibe of being supportive instead of being jealous of other people’s success or good traits. 

When diffusing arguments, hear both kids out. Don’t make sweeping generalizations as these will have lasting effects and kids can use this against each other.  For example, “Mom says you’re always leaving stuff lying around!” So with the added ammunition of a quote from you, one child will have an advantage over the other. 

Good luck  mommy! Hopefully with much patience and understanding, sibling rivalry will significantly be reduced in your home.  And if lucky, it'll be gone forever! God bless! 

PAOLO SAYS
Hi Kristine. Sibling rivalry is certainly one of those things all parents eventually have to deal with. As long as there are more than one child in the family, sibling rivalry in one form or another is inevitable. I think one thing that you should be looking at before you try to solve the problem is to try and see what is causing the problem.

Rivalry happens even in the most balanced of families. Usually, the rivalry stems from children feeling that one is favored over the other. Are you sure you’re not subconciously giving one child more attention than the other? Or maybe the younger child gets away with things easily compared to the older child cause “he’s younger”? If you’re sure that both your boys are getting equal attention and treatment, it’s time to look at what you can do to address the rivalry.

First off, let's also give our kids room to disagree. They can't possibly be on the same wavelength all the time on every issue so it’s healthy to also let them express themselves rather than just enforce a dictatorship. On the times that they do disagree, communication is always the key. Try to find the balance between mediating but not solving the problems for them. Recognize that kids do have the right to be upset within reason but do step in when it degenerates into physical fights...and it usually does with kids.

Try to see what sets them off and anticipate these moments by avoiding them or at least pre-empting them. For example, if they squabble about who gets to choose what they watch on TV. Make a schedule or make sure there’s a rule for taking turns. Make sure everyone gets treated fairly though and never take sides. Make sure to never compare one child to the other, probably the worst sin we can commit. One great piece of advice I can give is to see and treat each child as an individual. Each one has his own quirks and values his individuality, treating them as a “package deal” only adds to the rivalry.

Also try to make sure that each of your boys has the opportunity to spend "alone" time with you. That way, each will feel like they have an equal place.

Sibling rivalry isn’t all that bad either. Even the worst of family squabbles amongst your children has a silver lining. Its positive side is that kids (hopefully) do learn how to deal with others who don’t neccesarily share the same opinion. It teaches them to negotiate and to compromise. This will help them in the long run to be more tolerant and generous when they grow up. So take heart, you are not alone. It’s perfectly normal. A little disagreement every now and then might actually be good for them in the long run. Good luck!

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