Q. Dear Dawn,

Esvimin Faelnar

Sibling rivalry is an issue that I see many parents with more than one child encounter at one time or another. And personally, I think it is normal, a very common problem. I, being older by two years, have felt some form of rivalry with my younger brother when we were growing up. I have also seen displays of this jealousy in many families and of course, as expected, it is the parents, who have to resolve this problem.

The fact is, sibling rivalry is either brought on by a child's inherent personality trait or caused by a mom or a dad's parenting style. It is also possible to have both these conditions present.

Let’s discuss innate personality trait, for instance. I know of some kids who don’t have a jealous bone in their bodies. They don't become jealous of their younger siblings. One that I know of is my niece, who is just four years older than her baby brother. From the day he was born, she was all over him and never showed a tinge of hostility towards her little brother. However, my son– who is the same age as she is and while he dotes on his baby sister and loves to play with her and proudly shows her off to his friends – demonstrates signs of jealousy.

For example, when he sees me paying attention to his little sister, he will try to catch my attention by doing some trick. And if I still don’t pay him any attention, he will shout, his voice growing louder and louder. He won’t stop calling me until I turn my face towards him and acknowledge his presence. It is a very subtle form of rivalry but one, I know, I must not make the mistake of ignoring.

Once you become conscious of your child’s strange behavior (e.g. why he suddenly prefers to do things a bit differently so that he can grab the limelight from a natural-attention-grabbing baby sister), take it as your cue as a parent to begin editing yourself and curbing your enthusiasm... at least during those times when your jealous child is present.

I have heard of some children, who at the height of their jealousy would opt to do something bad to their sibling/s. There are some that might even use physical or emotional abuse: hitting, name-calling, bullying, pinching, pushing, and the like. These acts must never be tolerated and parents are accountable for this. They must immediately call the attention of the abusive sibling, tell him how wrong his actions were and impose order, if not some form of punishment.

My son may think it’s kinda funny to "tap" the top of his baby sister’s head, but I nip this in the bud before it becomes a bad (and dangerous) habit. I told him simply, "That’s not funny. Please stop doing that. Be gentle to her." These are some of the gentle warning statements I would issue my son, in the hope that he would break that habit.

One time, I caught him shouting at his 6-month-old baby sister for making a mess of his toys. Red flags shot up and I knew he was harboring some form of animosity towards his still-very-innocent younger sibling. I immediately intervened and said "Jacobo, please don’t speak to your sister that way. It’s not her fault she can’t balance toys in her hands yet. She’s still learning. Remember, she’s still a baby. Once upon a time, you were also just as clumsy."

By citing how he too was clumsy before, I helped put things in perspective for him; and perhaps, taught him a thing or two about acceptance and tolerance of other people's shortcomings.

I notice that when I tell my son heartwarming stories of... say... the day he was born, or how we were so worried the first time he got sick – he opens up more to us. It is a soothing balm to him. It strengthens his emotional security to realize just how much he is loved and cared for by the most important people in his life, like his Mama and Papa. Every now and then, Jacobo would cuddle up to me and ask me to tell that story again of what I said when I first saw him the day he was born, even if he has already heard the story more than fifty times. I see it as his way of trying to overcome his feelings of (imagined) inadequacy now that he has a sibling to share the spotlight with.

I seize these opportunities and use them to help my son realize his uniqueness and just how special he is. Then, I employ stories of his earlier years and compare it to that of his baby sister’s. That way, he can appreciate how far he has come and how much he has changed and in turn, also learn that his sister is just going through those first stages and to accept their differences.

I encourage you, Esvimin, to be on the lookout for your child’s need for attention. Only you and your husband would recognize these subtle signs of jealousy. Those are children's way of showing you what he needs from you.

Don't let it be just you. Ask people in the family to also make sure that they are giving your kids equal attention. Take the time to talk to each child. Let them know how unconditionally loved they are by telling each of them concrete anecdotes on how they were when they were younger. Some kids need a bit more attention than others; so don’t scrimp on them.

We, as parents, need to make time for our kids. It is all part of our responsibility to raise our children so that they can become well-rounded, kind-hearted adults.