Blessed are the children who grow up with two loving parents. Unfortunately, not all kids experience this.  Often, young ones are left in the care of their moms while their dads leave the country to work; live on his own or with another family; or worse, suddenly pass away.

According to Christine G. Juan, School Director of Sacred Heart School-Sun Valley in Paranaque, as early as three years old, kids already start to realize that their parents are more permanent than their yayas or maids. “They learn to accept that their yayas sometimes have to go back [home] to the province but mom and dad remain.”

At around four to six years old, children already start to notice other families and the differences between them and their own. “They start to wonder and ask questions when they get to interact with friends from school, play groups, or the people they meet in their day to day living,” describes Ana de Leon, a single parent who teaches at Sacred Heart.

As explained by Christine, this is the period when children recognize their parents and siblings and start asking about people who are separated or about single parents. At age seven or eight, they start to appreciate their parents more. Their Father’s Day or Mother’s Day cards start to have more meaning.

Some explaining to do

Ana believes that parents have to be ready for an answer when kids start asking questions. “Make sure that what you will say is real enough to convince even yourself. If so, then it is most likely to convince your child too.”

She suggests using simple words that are applicable for a young child. “Ensure that you don’t open a can of worms that will get you in a tight situation and will even give you a harder time to explain,” she cautions.

The more the child gets confused with your answers, the more she will have the tendency to ask questions that may lead to telling her a fairy tale story. “Don’t underestimate a child’s intelligence. Make it real and simple.”

Specific scenarios

How then should moms explain and help a child cope given the following situations?

1. The father dies

How much kids can understand about death will depend largely on their age, life experiences, and personality.  “Kids as young as zero to five years old often have a hard time understanding that all people and living things eventually die and won’t come back,” reveals Ana.

Even after explaining the situation a million times, children may continue to ask over and over. As frustrating as this can be, continue to calmly reiterate that the person has died and can’t come back [anymore],” she counsels.

Christine’s husband, Rommel, acknowledges that the loss of a father is always difficult but that mothers can assure their children. You can say, “Daddy joined God in heaven and he is now watching over us.”

2. The father has to go abroad for work

There is a big difference between a dad who leaves on short business trips and an OFW who needs to stay away from his family for months or years. “This may seem difficult to explain to kids but telling them the reasons and the advantages will help them better understand [the situation],” states Christine. To help a child cope better, mothers should make sure that father and child always talk to each other.

Thanks to technology advancements, keeping in touch is a lot easier. “Send messages through email, Twitter, or Facebook,” recommends Christine. “The telephone is still one of the best ways to communicate because it allows you to hear someone’s voice. But it has gotten even better through video-chats provided by programs like Skype and Yahoo Messenger where family members can  pretend they are just right next to each other.”

3. Mom and Dad separate and have to live in different houses

The breakdown of a relationship often has emotional effects on children. Thus, it is vital that a parent explains the change in living arrangements.

Ana advises that parents try to set aside their differences even when they are not living in the same house anymore. "A negative attitude towards one’s ex-partner, or any person for that matter, may never resolve your problem. It is also not healthy for your child’s growth and development.”

Rommel suggests that moms tell their children that they are lucky because they have more houses to live in and more families to love them.

On your own

Christine and Ana further list down some useful coping tips for moms who have to raise their children on their own whether temporarily or for the long haul:

DOs

1. Learn to prioritize

Before going to sleep, plan the things you need to do the next day. Avoid rushing things that need to get finished or you might end up having a bad day.

2. Accept help

If friends and family offer their assistance, accept it! You can accomplish a lot when running errands if a trusted friend or relative is willing to look after your child for a while.

3. Make use of local resources

Check out activities in your community that you and your child can join. It is a great chance for both of you to meet new friends.

4. Have fun!

Take breaks from your busy routine. Plan activities that you and your child can do together. It doesn’t have to be an expensive out-of-town experience. Try a simple walk in the park, strolling in the mall, or watching a movie. These can be more than enough for both of you to enjoy.

5. Make time for yourself 

Once in a while, schedule a day in a spa or salon, or have coffee dates with friends.

DON’Ts

1. No guilts

Stop feeling guilty and having regrets on things you are not able to do.

“Raising a child as a single parent can be challenging; but it can also be rewarding,” shares Ana. “While you are trying to fulfill the responsibilities of both mom and dad at once, do not feel guilty that your child is missing out on something.”

2. Don't force it!

Every parent wants the best for their children but never force your child to engage into an activity that he doesn’t want to do.

3. Avoid comparing your situations to others

Be open to discussions and help from other single moms. “Interact with all kinds of families and do your best to make sure that you create a positive environment for your child.” You will soon discover that it may just be exactly what he needs.