The word discipline evokes many unpleasant images: a shrieking belt on a bare bottom for drawing on daddy’s work papers; an early, dinner-less bedtime for refusing to eat vegetables; a soapy gargle for cursing. All these go against the real meaning of discipline, which, according to its Latin roots, is ‘to teach.’  Pain and humiliation don’t teach. All they do is sow fear and deep-seated anger and resentment.

And so come the questions: How should children be effectively disciplined? And how young should children start to be disciplined?

Positive discipline

“Be as positive as possible,” says Ria dela Cruz, a teacher and teacher trainer at Gymboree’s Greenbelt 5 and Serendra branches. “Corporal punishment has too many negative effects, more negative than positive. When parents physically hurt their children as a means of imparting discipline, all the children really remember are the pain and fear.”

Teacher Ria suggests parents refrain from using the words ‘Don’t’ and ‘No’ when they tell their children how to behave. Instead, it has proven more effective for parents to use constructive phrases – when a child draws on walls, for example, say, “Try drawing on paper instead,” instead of screeching “Don’t write on the walls!”

This doesn’t mean, however, that parents have to be sunny and smiling all the time over the stress of a wild child ransacking the entire house. When the situation requires it, change your voice and facial expression to bring home the point of discipline. Keep from shouting (all that does is show your child that it’s okay to shout back at you) but speak in a stern voice. Giving mixed signals – saying, “Let’s not kick the cats,” while smiling will just confuse children.

“Be consistent,” says Teacher Ria, who has 20 years’ experience in pre-school teaching and tutoring. It may require daily reminders not to touch electric outlets, but keep reminding. It may take years but one day, your child will finally remember to leave outlets alone.

“Tailor your method to your child’s personality,” adds Teacher Ria. Where one child may burst into tears with just a stern look, another may laugh in the face of a flat-out reprimand. In order to effectively discipline your child, know your child’s personality well. All in all, a parent needs a lot of practice handing out discipline to a child.    

Calming routines

At Gymboree, where even infants can attend, discipline is begun on day one – from infants to the eldest kids at five years old – in form of routines. In the often tumultuous time of toddlerhood, a routine gives little children a sense of calm. It lets them exercise self-control – an important trait to have even in adulthood.

With routines, too, no child is too young for discipline to start. It need not be a strict schedule – “Wake up at 8 a.m., breakfast at 8.15.” Instead, routines can follow activities –  “After school, we have lunch, then take a nap. After the nap, we go to the playground until almost dark.”

Teacher Ria also finds that rules are most effective when they are established with the help of the kids. “We describe scenarios to the kids and ask them how they think they should go about it,” says Teacher Ria. “We direct them but it’s the kids themselves who come up with their rules. The rules are harder to violate because the kids set them.”

For violations, Teacher Ria sits down the violator as soon as possible and processes the experience. “We talk to the child and ask why he did what he did, what he thinks we should do, how he feels,” says Teacher Ria. Immediate action is better than waiting until both parents are home, for example, to have the talk. By then, the child may have forgotten what it is he’s in trouble for.

The bottom line in disciplining a child is consistency, positivity, and unconditional love. Without those, discipline may end up just skin-deep.