Jacobo with his yaya

Q. Dear Dawn,

Good Day! I really love your section in Moms and Babies in Manila Bulletin. It’s also my wish to be featured in it.

I do hope you can help me with my recent problem with my two-year-and-four-month baby. As a working mom, I don’t have the whole day to see and take care of my baby. Recently, I have been having a problem with her attitude. There are times when she is in a very bad mood and I can see beginnings of a tantrum. She would throw her toys, punch us or kick us. What is the best thing to do to stop this? Please help. Thank you so much. More Power!

Ria Rosaura Romero, MTCC, Branch I, Hall of Justice, Naga City, Camarines Sur, 4400

Nip this in the bud, Ria! Even at two years of age, a child’s attitude can still be molded and curbed. First, let’s accept the possibility that your toddler has resorted to violent actions as a way of getting your much-needed attention. Your frequent absence might be giving her some anxiety and this might be the main reason for her habitual tantrums. But let us also consider other factors that may fuel this: the treatment she gets from her caregiver/yaya while you are away; as well as her exposure to various media like tv shows and the internet, plus her model adults in your home.

I know how a mother feels about leaving her baby or toddler to the care of others while you have to work to help the family meet a basic standard of living. When my son was only eight months old, I went to work on a teleserye for three months. I was away from home three days of the week, usually taking anywhere from 18 to 24 hours of work on location per day. It’s tough. By the time I was home, I was often too tired to even see to his needs or even spend some play time with him before gearing up for the following full day’s work. I felt so guilty and I reached a point when I regretted accepting the job because I realized the price I had to pay. It wasn’t that Jacobo was showing signs of resentment toward me, but just that I was missing out on much of his first year of milestones. Since I was fortunate enough to have a choice on the matter, I stopped accepting long-haul job offers after the television series was over so I could relish the rest of the time with my then soon-to-be toddler.

What I did though, while I was in the middle of my contractual commitment, was to ensure that my son was getting enough attention from people I entrusted him to. This not only meant the basics of bathing and feeding but also training and disciplining. My husband worked too so he was mostly out all day. Luckily, I had my mother who enjoyed jumping at the opportunity to be with her grandson on my behalf. It was with her assistance that we trained Jacobo’s yaya to make sure that the “rules and limitations” would be strictly enforced even while we were away. And this is the first advice I want to give you: Make sure everyone in your home is on the same page. For example, if eating sweets before meal time is a big no-no to you, then your relatives and nannies had better be responsible enough to make sure that this rule is not undermined just because you’re not there to see to it. This way, your daughter will know that even when you’re not around, you have put things in order for her benefit.

Check on her when you get a break at work. Call home and speak with her caregiver to get an update on her activities and behavior. Ask to put her on the line and speak tenderly to her. Let her know you’re still thinking of her even if you’re not around. Ask her how she is doing. Is she feeling well, tired, or hungry? Then, make plans to do an activity with her when you get back home later in the day. Ask her what it is she would like to do with you. Read her a story before going to bed, or give her a warm bath?

Keeping in touch with her frequently, even if it is only through the phone, will help alleviate any moments of insecurity she feels while you’re gone. It will help tide her emotions through the day as she awaits your return. And when you’re home, pay her a lot of attention and encourage her to talk to you about how her day went. (all the better for you to check on how she is treated by her caregivers – just a bit of investigative work). Children, like adults, also need to de-stress. We shouldn’t think that we’re the only ones who get harassed, bummed-out, and become exhausted after a day’s work. Their minds and emotions are also put through as much edge-work, so it’s wise to be mindful of their own struggles as well.

Secondly, observe the people who live in your home. Are any of them edgy, a tad too boisterous and bossy, or perhaps show signs of a short fuse? These are red flags for you. Children are sensitive to other people’s actions and suggestions. Remember, they are like intellectual sponges. Children mimic grown-ups. It’s second nature to them because they are also impressionable. If they are exposed to a lot of foul language and bad behavior, they will do the same things. That is one of the hard and fast rules we parents should always keep in mind: Be the best example and exercise self-control when kids are around.

Apart from these ideas, your best allies are patience and understanding. All kids—and I mean all—go through the same phase at some time in their early years. The trick in handling it is to be firm. Put your foot down on the first crack you get. When my son exhibited his first tantrum over not getting to do something that he wanted to do, I just gave him my two cents worth about it and made him sit in the corner for two minutes (two minutes for two years old). When he ranted and raved I stood my ground. I’ve never had to punish him with a slap on the wrist or on his backside; I just used my low but firm voice and commanded him to pay attention.

It is necessary that parents keep the communication lines open especially while they’re still young. Kids will learn to do the same – use their words instead of hitting with their hands or kicking you with their feet. Insist that if she wants something, she needn’t throw objects at you; she should simply ask, nicely. Toddlerhood is the best time to educate her on the proper way to ask for what she wants, to voice out her frustrations, while you patiently and lovingly give her your full attention and support. It would do you good not to argue with her or even raise your voice if you only wanted to make a point. Show her that in your family, talking things through soberly is the only way one can get any attention. Make it clear from the beginning that any acts of violent behavior will only be futile and a waste of energy. To ensure that your efforts are not going to waste, see to it that her caregiver manages her bad behavior the same way.

Remember that all this takes getting used to. She won’t master it after the first session. But if you’re consistent— and that means your household staff should also follow your rule— then you’re on your way to paradise. Thank you for supporting my bi-monthly column, Ria, and here’s wishing you and your lovely daughter more bonding days ahead!